SPECIAL EDITION FRIDAY: Lawyers: The Greatest Problem In America

The following is another excellent piece detailing the problems lawyers have caused; the damage they have done by redefining truth and the overall lack of trust they have engendered regarding our system of government and system of laws in toto.  This was written by a long time friend who was unable to identify himself.  It was written in the mid-1980s in small city, but the local paper refused to print it.  Not a surprise realizing the aversion the majority of newspapers have for the truth.  

It is my understanding that this is the first time this article has been shared with the public. I am pleased to present this to you.  Especially following the article I shared last Friday written by another good friend and colleague.

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If you agree with the sentiments expressed herein, please mail this to your friends so that they, too, may enjoy a good laugh at the expense of the people who are ruining the good old USA.

The birth of the USA was the greatest event in the development of human rights.  And yet, the American system of rights has a flaw so serious that it is consuming much of the strength of the nation.  The nature of the American system of rights has made us captives of the legal profession.  For, sad to say . . . ours is a government of lawyers, by lawyers, and for lawyers.  They write our laws, they interpret our laws, and they bend and break our laws as they, in their sole judgment, see fit.  Is there any sort of outrage in our society today without at least one lawyer involved? And, usually at the core of the scandal? Indeed, they intentionally create many of our problems for their own profit.

William Shakespeare was wont to express popular feelings of the day in his plays.  Thus, we hear one of the conspirators in Henry VI, Part 2, Act IV, Scene II, line 75, say “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” So, the lawyer problem had its roots in England, but has grown to full bloom in America.  The American system attracts the same sort of varmint that Shakespeare knew, only worse, and more of them.

Are we to believe then, that all lawyers are bad?  Could this not be an erroneous opinion?  Are there not some who are worthy human beings?  Certainly.  And the number is precisely two percent.  Just as it is true that two percent of all politicians are in the profession for the general good of society, the same is true of lawyers.

And how does it happen that so many scoundrels are drawn to this one profession?  Are they scoundrels to begin with, or does exposure to other lawyers make them that way?  Although it is true that anyone who enters the legal profession (even a decent person) will soon be corrupted by exposure to this pack of thieves, the sad truth is that almost all lawyers got that way before they entered the law.  In fact, they entered the law because they got that way. And here’s how.

The great majority of lawyers (but not all) can be characterized as scaredycat-crybabies.  As kids, they were beaten up on the playground not only by the bullies, but also by good kids, sissies and girls.  As they ran away from yet another whipping, they swore to seek an occupation in whose protection no one could ever hurt them again, a profession in which they could inflict the maximum possible punishment on others, particularly the strong.

Normal people react to playground whippings by resolving to fight harder (salesmen), or fight better (managers), or fight dirtier (criminals), or get help and gang up on the bully (policemen), or befriend the enemy (politicians), or give up fighting (preachers). But, not the little crybabies who grow up to be lawyers.  They dedicated their lives to getting even.

Just examine the personalities of the lawyers you know.  You’ll find that you can easily picture them as small boys (or girls!) running home crying after suffering cruel (and unjust?) treatment on the playground. Crying and saying to themselves “I’m going to get them back, I’m, going to fix them, I’m going to be somebody who is protected from them by rules, and I’m going to really get even.  They’re going to pay for making me cry.”

Thus, most lawyers determined to enter the profession at an early age.  There are a few exceptions.  Notably, they include sons and daughters of lawyers, who entered the field because dad did. (This type can be a scaredycat-crybaby). Others entered the law as a legal means of engaging in criminal activities for the purpose of getting rich quick.  (These may also be scaredycat-crybabies).

Returning to the first group, the cause of our trouble becomes apparent.  These little scaredycat-crybabies are going to make the rest of us pay for their whippings.  And pay, and pay.  Unfortunately, there is only one solution when you run against one of these dreadful pests:  get a better lawyer and fight back.  And pay, and pay, and pay.  It’s their game, and there’s no way out.  Either play hard, by their rules, or lose.  Sad, so sad, but true!

How do American lawyers affect our society?   In many, many ways.  First, they affect our standard of living.  Lawyers are totally non-productive.  In fact, they are consumers of the worst sort:  they feed on the blood, sweat, and tears of normal people.  And the more lawyers there are, the lower our standard of living.

Second, they cripple our national productivity.  Because of their basic paranoia and sadism, they create horrible paperwork mazes of silly rules and regulations at every level of business and government.  It’s a wonder that we can produce anything at all with the paperwork we must endure.

Consider that Japan has only 35,000 lawyers in total!  But in the USA, we are graduating 35,000 new ones every year!  And these little crybabies are going to eat, which means they’re going to cause trouble.  For example, look at the wild proliferation of totally absurd liability lawsuits.

Third, they harass us constantly and make our lives miserable.  Isn’t it ridiculous that you can’t do anything today without a lawyer?  It’s not so much the money, as it is knowing that the parasite is getting paid a fee for nothing . . . for just being there because the rules (written by the lawyers!) say the lawyer must be included in the deal.

Fourth, they’re always late getting their work done, and their work is never correct.  You can be sure they’re going to make mistakes.  How aggravating to correct their work for them, and then have to pay them for it!

Fifth, 90% of them are dishonest. On yes, they all swear that they’re pure as the driven snow, but they’ll always modify their code for a little gold. Always.

Sixth, they stick together, and you’ll never get one to blow the whistle on another.  They will excuse any conduct unless it becomes public knowledge, and then, the pack attacks the offending one, meting out sufficient punishment to whet the public appetite.  Later, when the spotlight moves on, the fallen member will be rehabilitated.

Seventh and last, lawyers make you damned uncomfortable because you know they feed on others.  It’s amazing how easily they can be identified among the beasts of the jungle.  Here are a few of the better-known types.

THE CONDOR

The best dressed and most stately of the carrion eaters, he represents the very, very upper-class estate lawyer who acts as trustee for many estates.  He has a voracious appetite for huge carcasses.

THE VULTURE

One step down from the condor, the vulture represents the quite upper-class estate lawyer with several nice estates to administer as trustee.  He is the depleter of the middle-class estate.

THE BUZZARD

The common variety of winged carrion-eater, he represents the average estate lawyer who still is looking for his first lucrative trusteeship.  Meanwhile, he strips all liquid assets from the meager estates of the poor.

THE HYENA

A cunning and vicious coward, the hyena is a carrion eater, but when hungry will attack the sick and weak.  He represents the most dastardly types of divorce and liability specialists.

THE JACKAL

Even more cowardly than the hyena, kills only in packs.  He represents the lawyers who work in concert on opposite sides of divorce cases.

THE LEECH

This pest attaches himself to the most convenient healthy animal and feeds away.  He represents the lawyer who devotes himself to one client and becomes totally dependent on him.

THE REMORA

Otherwise known as a sharksucker, this odd fish attaches himself under the belly of whales and sharks, feeding on the crumbs they drop.  He represents the corporate attorney.

THE PIRANHA

These voracious attack fish represent the Federal Government anti-trust lawyers whose specialty is vicious dismemberment of large corporations, such at AT&T.

THE CARRION BEETLE

This slow creature represents the lawyers in bank trust departments who pick clean the bones of the poor deceased.

THE PARASITE

This ugly creature lives by sucking a little blood from this one, and a little from that one.  He represents the general practitioner who will take any sort of case for a buck.

THE CROW

Friendly and sociable, the crow eats dead flesh only when it is freshly killed, preferring a variety of other foods.  This bird represents the two percent of lawyers who are generally honest.

This is only a partial list. The reader is invited to categorize his lawyer acquaintances.

Now, let’s turn to a most amusing episode which occurred at the 1983 meeting of the American Bar Association, as reported in the New York Times.  At this meeting the delegates voted to amend their Code of Ethics to this effect:

The sanctity of the law is no longer of primary importance.  Rather, confidentiality between a lawyer and his client is to be supreme.  Even when a lawyer knows that his client is committing a crime, he is duty-bound to maintain that sacred confidence.

But please note!  There were two exceptions to this rule which were approved by the delegates:

It is excusable for the lawyer to breach this sacred confidence if it becomes necessary in order to:

(1)  Collect his fee!

(2)  Protect himself in a malpractice suit!

Imagine the depths of intellectual dishonesty and convoluted rationalization required to produce this farcical Code!  The meeting referred to was held in New Orleans during the Mardi Gras.  A carnival within a carnival, so to speak!

And so, on it goes.  And what are we, the workers, the producers, the managers, and the builders, to do?  There’s precious little we can do, for we are trapped within the system, and we are the victims!

Russell Baker has suggested that we trade our lawyers to Japan for cars at a rate of something like 50 lawyers for one car.  This way, we could get rid of 600,000 of our lawyers, and get 12,000 brand new Toyotas, Datsuns, and Hondas in return!  Well, don’t hold your breath, the Japanese refused, and you can’t blame them. They’re not stupid, you know.

The more you think about William Shakespeare, the more you have to admire his wisdom and foresight!  In a way, it is a shame that murder is so unpopular.  Because, if we kill all the lawyers, we’ll get terrible treatment at the hands of the press!

Well, enough of idle dreams, as delightful as they may be.  What can we do?  There are some possibilities.

First, we must make it illegal by Constitutional Amendment (because that’s the only way it’ll ever happen) for any lawyer to hold elective office. On what grounds?  On the grounds that it is absurd to allow these scoundrels to write the rules of the game, causing everlasting pain for the rest of us. Seriously, it is a conflict of interest, and anyone who has ever practiced law, or even passed a Bar exam, must be disqualified from ever holding elective office.

Second, the number of lawyers employed by government shall be reduced to zero.  Lawyers are not needed, nor wanted, to write rules or to enforce regulations.

Third, each jurisdiction shall have a laymen’s court which shall have a duty of hearing and deciding cases against lawyers for abuse of privilege, harassment of citizens, and malpractice.

Fourth, it shall be illegal for lawyers to perform services for a percentage of an award.  Counsel fees in “contingency fee” lawsuits shall be limited to the lawyer’s usual hourly rate.

Fifth, a lawyer found guilty of any offense shall suffer double the penalty assessed a non-lawyer, because, having written the rules, they should keep them.

Sixth, the number of new lawyers admitted to the Bar each year shall be no more than half that necessary to replace those who left in the previous year.

Seventh, any lawyer who attempts to circumvent the above in any way shall be hanged.

The author, desiring to remain free, remains anonymous.